Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…