@SteveDutzy: HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU'VE GOTTEN
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@Death_Buddy: Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
@Jen_says_nah: Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
@TheHyyyype: ME: is there a doctor on this flight?? GUY: i'm a doctor ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy