HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Breaking news:
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me