Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.