Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
War & Peace
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.