hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
(Gaming support cat.)
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?