hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You Might Also Like
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*