HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
You Might Also Like
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I will never stop laughing at this