HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.