ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it