HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
a public service announcement
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Last-minute gift idea!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.