HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
You Might Also Like
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.