Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.