@dxblarssonENG: HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
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@Chumpstring: GENIE: u have 3 wishes ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear GENIE: k ME: a blue one GENIE: righto ME: now make Kanye hear out of it GENIE: dude
@OneFunnyMummy: The longer you're a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they're pregnant.
@1Happytwit: Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]