*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises