Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
this has done me in for some reason
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
It do be feeling this way.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do