Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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Dead sexy!!
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer