Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
You Might Also Like
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.