@Jagershot901: Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
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@chelliet22: I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.
@ErrenMichaels: The freebie-jeebies That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
@bobinhiding: When the wife says, "Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?" "Yeah, kind of." Is not the right answer.
@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*