I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No