Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?