Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray