Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Miscakes
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Seems legit
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you