Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.