[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
You Might Also Like
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I don’t think my car can fly
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
our love story in four pictures
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!