@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
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@dankashane20: I want to get a medical bracelet that says, "Shy" so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
@zoevsuniverse: 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again."
@mikeleffingwell: I always say "I was wondering when you'd find me" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit.
@DannyMcH2O: Me: What's the capital of Ohio? Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora? Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.