Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
how high up are we talkin’?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.