@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.
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@sixfootcandy: Me: Mmm...I love your milky white skin. Him: Ma'am are you registered for this class? Me: Yes Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?" me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"
@KeetPotato: me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?" therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"
@jwoodham: The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.