@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.
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@djdarrellripley: Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
@gtfml: When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?" because you can never be too careful.
@CelebrityChez: My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.