Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.