Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
#StillHurts
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Word.
~ Microsoft.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion