Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
the rocks need my help
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.