Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?