Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.