[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
oh shit
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.