The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store