Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”