Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
We decided to have money instead of children.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?