[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Merry Christmas
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.