[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
oh shit
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Based Erika
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec