@JohnCleese: Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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@hpb777: Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
@Cheeseboy22: Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I'll ever get an opportunity like that again.
@lwhit_the_boss: My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he's actually a bag of Cheetos