@JohnCleese: Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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@milehighocd: Don't take a shower when you're drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: what are you doing? Son: I’m in timeout Wife: did you make fun of Taylor Swift again? Me[from the other room] YES HE DID
@ojedge: [date] Me: 'Don't let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…' Her: "Shall we order dessert?" Me: "LET'S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!"
@SirEviscerate: OSTRICH: *buries head in sand* ANTELOPE: You're crazy! OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I'm NOT going back to jail