Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Hit me in the face with a bird
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*