[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th