[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
You Might Also Like
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.