[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.