Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!