My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?