I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo