[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Facebook memories be like
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared