House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.