House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Oceanography is all about current events
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.