House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
These work great until they don’t.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard