House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.