House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word