House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO